The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
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the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
sry
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner