Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

This could be us… but you playing

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

new shirt idea

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

Twitter fine art