The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start