The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
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Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.