The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
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*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Its a hippotatomus
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home