The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley