Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

mood

dutch is not a serious language

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”