The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
starting a garage orchestra
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg