The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
You Might Also Like
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
#SaturdayBears
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job