The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Barbie gone wild
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.