The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.