Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.