The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.