Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

congratulations to them

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

👽

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?