The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
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I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Just ordered me some pizza!
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots