The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
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Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos