The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.