The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
For those that worship cheese..
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.