Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Aight bet

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.