The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
well this is just bullshirt
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My background check bounced.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy