The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”