The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
still the best tweet of the year by far
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics