The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
This is so wrong 😂
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Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.