Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Day 2 of my diet

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time