The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
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I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
X-tra spooky blend
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?