The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
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When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.