Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

liiiiiiiiike

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.