The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
thanks auntie mary
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me trying to look natural in photos
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s