The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
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My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.