The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
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Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.