The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.