The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
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That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
😾
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR