Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats