Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

British websites use biscuits.

My safe word is Worcestershire

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

Most fashion shows these days…

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.