The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
pelicons
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004