The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
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Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.