The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
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Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
it was a valiant fight
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
what the
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank