The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
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I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
🤣🤣🤣
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My last name is Zilla.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
rapatouille
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.