Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.