Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

We made a comic about a space heater.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.