Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

Pat is about to own someone

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who see nothing wrong with a bite or three of chocolate cake first thing in the morning.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.