“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Ummm
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.