Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

asking santa clause for nudes

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

i prefer mine room temperature.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.