Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

sigh

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god