The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
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Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard