The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

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Doctor: you gotta cut back on the drinking
Me: but why?
D:*lifts up x-ray* says here your liver has officially been sponsored by Grey Goose


Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good


Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad


“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts


I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.


The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”


I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.


“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful


Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.