@GoldenSpirals

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

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@DaddyJew

Doctor: you gotta cut back on the drinking
Me: but why?
D:*lifts up x-ray* says here your liver has officially been sponsored by Grey Goose

@English_Channel

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

@LeBearGirdle

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

@GingerHotDish

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

@sixfootcandy

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

@batkaren

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

@maebemarbles

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

@MelvinofYork

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

@Carbosly

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.