The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
You Might Also Like
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.