The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Sounds like a bargain
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.