The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Cartman: Respect my
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Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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2.
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4.
5.awesome
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.