The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol