Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.