@PeachyPixel8

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

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@TheToddWilliams

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

@Leemanish

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

@DaddyJew

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

@MikeCanRant

Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.

@slyoung5

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

@portmanteauface

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

@chuuew

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

@aksorojas

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

@ohen39

Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.