The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.