The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

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WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …


ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’


I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.


When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.


Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.


Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.


I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it


INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes


sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.


Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.