The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
ouch
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
