the greatest twitter interaction
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As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.