the greatest twitter interaction
You Might Also Like
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
who’s gonna tell her?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Why soy sad?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Harsh but fair
