the greatest twitter interaction
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Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.