The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
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A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst