The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
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There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
translated into Canadian
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat