The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
You Might Also Like
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
oh you wanna fight?!
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.