The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Man these end times are taking forever
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.