the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
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[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I love it all
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
