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I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
“The Perfect Relationship”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
*looks at you in batman voice*
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a