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Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Guy who likes music
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.