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Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
