The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
You Might Also Like
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face