Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

Ok, but like, how married are you?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

ok hear me out: Luigiana

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.