The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
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I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang