The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
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I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.