Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

i meant to share this earlier

😭😭😭

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

Got him!

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today