The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
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Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
need a new bf mines broken 😐
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Ugh
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband