Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”