The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
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I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?