The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
🍂🕷️🍂
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.