The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.