the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
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COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
When I said I liked it rough.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.