the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
who’s gonna tell her?
