the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
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Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
