the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
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GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store